I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
