the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
