So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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