you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
of course. lets lasso hookers.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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