tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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