Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
