my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize