omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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