she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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