girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
