i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
