Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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