in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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