My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize