I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish you could order shots online.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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