Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
