I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
