your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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