Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
