You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
