I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
