why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
