my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
