I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Still dying that you shit outside
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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