guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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