Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
