Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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