I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
