I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
