I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize