so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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