I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
