If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
