Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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