I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize