i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
