I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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