it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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