"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
