Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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