When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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