Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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