Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
