So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize