I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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