I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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