I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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