Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
