he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
