Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
my penis made a compromise with my morals
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
