I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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