and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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