Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
