My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
