The maid of honor just puked.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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