I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
