well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
