I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
